Blogs are autobiographies where anyone can be a hero with their life all together and their words eloquent. You can just hit the backspace button, reword your sentence, and make every thought picture perfect. You can be the best mom, the most attentive wife, and the most spiritual woman in your community. All with a few perfectly planned pictures and a few key strokes. Sounding or looking great is easy. Being real is hard. Some days it is hard to be ministry minded and I am not always so. There are many days I want to throw in the towel. I curse, get angry, question, and act seriously selfish. Sometimes it is tough to bounce back when ministry mindedness gets hard.
It gets hard, to hear people question your choice to stay in ministry when it is hard on your family and often becomes a lonely and difficult journey. Sometimes I am reminded that a secular job could be easier financially, emotionally, and physically. I question why God would want us to struggle through it all. I question, like Job, why bad things happen. Why roads are often hard and why we are put in tough places when so many others seem to have it easy.
It gets hard, when all the stress and all the frustrations can’t be figuratively left at work because you are a team with your spouse and you work from home. The stresses pile up and make an already tough job of being relatively newly married and new parents, tougher. When you can’t say what you want to, or do what you want to, in your ministry setting; simple conversations with your spouse become emotional unloads and the tantrums of your child become the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It gets hard, when my past, depression, and anxiety take over. The truth is sometimes my life feels more like a story being written for me and I don’t always want to be in the book. My family is a constant reminder that I am needed and wanted where I am but Satan’s lies often leave me feeling worthless, unwanted, and broken beyond repair. There are times I am scared that I might mistreat my family because of the pain or loneliness I feel inside. My personal struggles and those of my husband make keeping a ministry focus even harder.
It is times like these, when ministry mindedness gets hard, that I am reminded whose I am (Romans 14:8-9) and for whom I live. I get mad and I complain and cry but God is sovereign and does not make mistakes. He owes me nothing and I owe Him everything. My sin is a thick blinding cloud that would keep me from true joy eternally if God hadn’t stepped in and saved me. Peace and contentment in any situation is crucial and as much as I like to ignore that truth and complain anyway; I need to remind myself that I could be bloody, beaten, and hanging on a cross paying for the sin I do, yet chose to hold over other people’s heads. God’s plan is perfect and my husband and I (as I stated in another post) did not come for easy. We chose ministry to serve our Savior. He promises that we will see persecution, trials, and tribulation. He encourages us to look forward to the crown. “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). We are to keep our minds on Christ no matter what and He will walk with us through it all to complete His wonderful, glorious, and perfect plan.