When I was in high school, I knew I wanted to be a mom. In fact, I knew even before that. Being a wife and mother was a lofty and fulfilling calling and I couldn’t wait to be one.
Fast forward several years. I am lying in a hospital bed looking at the ultrasound monitor as the tiny black dot that used to beat appeared motionless. We were so excited about six weeks before when we saw the positive test and now our worst fears were confirmed. What happened? The physical pain was nothing compared to the grief I would experience over the next few months and ultimately would never get over. The biggest questions in my mind then were, “Am I a mom?”, “Was I a mom?”, and if so “Am I not anymore?”.
We as believers should agree that life begins at conception. If that’s the case, then by default we should be considered moms and dads the moment that bundle of joy begins it’s journey inside us. I knew this but it didn’t make the questions stop in my mind. The more I shared about my miscarriage and the beginning of my mom journey, the more I met women with stories of infertility, loss, and miscarriage. Why do those women feel like they can’t claim that title of mom until they hold their healthy bundle of joy? Why doesn’t anyone remind them that they are moms even after a loss? I think it is because the world doesn’t see life as we do. So we feel empty and broken no matter what the truth is. We feel guilty calling ourselves moms when we didn’t face a journey 9 months long… but we are moms.
I became a mom in 2017. I only got to carry that little one for 6 months and 6 days but we praised God in the hospital, with tears flowing from our faces, for what little time we had with our Charley. It took many months of grief and several encouraging voices before I was ok…ish. Today I am a mom of two. My first was Charley, but my second is the one I get to keep for now. It took 9 months of heartburn, several days of practice and real labor, and some very uncomfortable stitching to get my beautiful rainbow baby. He is a blessing and even though most would say this past Mother’s Day was my first, I know better.
As I continue in my ministry minded journey I am reminded of all the moms who, like me, never felt worthy to be called “Mom”. I hope to keep sharing my mom story and maybe other moms will be encouraged by it too. To all the moms out there, you are all worth it. Happy belated Mother’s Day.